Power of the Frying Pan

Violence stinks no matter which side of it you're on. But now and then there's nothing left to do but hit the other person over the head with a frying pan. - Tom Robbins

I firmly believe that to most situations, violence is not the answer. As civilized beings, we should be able to solve our problems without physical force.

But sometimes, some people just need a swift kick in the ass.

Take my brother, for example. For as long as i can remember, my male sibling and I have always been at odds with eachother. We like different things, believe in different things, enjoy different activities and music: we are on opposite sides of the spectrum.

Occasionally, the little bast...*ahem*...brother will get pretentious. Nothing would feel better than to swiftly strike out and give the antagonist what he deserves. However, my highly evolved civility kicks in and prevents me from smiting him.

I digress back to the issue of some people deserving a good whack.

Lets take a look at some of the people or situations in which it is socially acceptable to give and/or tell someone what they deserve.

1. The Religious Zealot

We all have met them: the highly esteemed men and women convinced that their personal beliefs should be shared by everyone else. Not only do they denounce your way of life and claim that you will burn in the fiery pits of hell for your sins, they make it a point to haunt your doorstep or trail you in your shopping endeavours. To add invasion to annoyance, these individuals often make it a point to encroach upon your personal space, bringing you literally face to face with these theological propagandists.

Give them what they deserve:

• Begin to chant strange, dark sounding words. This is especially useful upon initial confrontation.


• Kindly tell the provocateur(s) that you worship satan, and you must excuse yourself so that you may prepare for a summoning ritual
  
• Wave crystals around, talking about how you can feel the earth mother shying from this place

If these interventions fail, more drastic action must be taken:

• A large wooden pole kept within close reach of the doorway has dramatic effectiveness against fanatics when pulled from storage. Make it a point to not look pleased.


• Call the police. A cruiser pulling up in your driveway is a great incentive to get people to leave


• Should a fanatic choose to grab you, proceed by kicking them in the inside of the knee in a side downward motion, followed by a hard palm strike directly to the sternum. Guaranteed to leave you standing above your victim, reveling over your victory.
  

More scenarios will come over time, for my associates and i must gather and brood about what we shall say.